Anything that threatens to put blame back onto the blamer will be shunned. The right steps, and the right skills, can bring back the love in your marriage. Denial of problems is a more primitive response than blame and harder to work with. It is worth looking for the other potential signs that indicate a more serious case of abuse. As a result, they may turn to other tools such as anger or withdrawal which are potentially even more damaging. – George Washington. Tell him you care deeply for him and want the best for him. Every argument we've had, he wants me to believe the he is right because....here he comes up with an excuse... and at the end, regardless of what he did, he is always the offended one because I should see things his way. Billy Sunday. It takes two to tango. Believe me, I’ve heard all of the excuses … and some that would make you laugh if you didn’t know the person speaking the words was serious. The best answer for the why questions is to tell your mate you will do everything possible to search for the answer, but admit you don't want to sound defensive while trying to answer a question you don't necessarily know the answer to. My husband has kept his disease for 18 years now. I have never been able to figure his angry,demeaning personality out until a marriage counselor said the word narcissist. Simply leaving the problems unresolved would be the worse choice. Your spouse might feel more able to explore their tendency to blame others (i.e. If communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship, your husband’s grunts and eye rolls aren’t going to cut it. Some actions you took (or didn’t take), some words you spoke, some treatment of your spouse. I believe if I set my mind to it…I could come up with some of the greatest excuses in the world. Making excuses is never really a good thing in any situation. There is still a desire for the relationship to be better. That will create more distance in your marriage if you don’t also increase your positive communication. By no means is this an excuse for my actions, but merely a reason for why I acted in the way I did. It seems that what you do is never enough. Just as you can’t stop blaming by blaming back, you also won’t stop blaming by being passive. Chi Chi Rodriguez. No person in a marriage is completely 100% without blame. Stop Being Blamed for Everything by Your Spouse - Jack Ito PhD I need help?!? Here’s What A Guy’s Excuses Really Mean. So, when something goes wrong – and things do go wrong in life – they feel like they didn’t have enough support and that’s why it went wrong. And as much as you may wish to argue your case, it’s often better to leave it at that. They may be struggling with their emotions and with life in general, but they feel unable to ask for help. Instead of just talking about my feelings, he helps make a plan to move forward. After listening to the book and focusing on myself, I hired Dr. Ito to help me with my difficult marriage a year later. How To Get People To Respect You: 7 No Bullsh*t Tips That Actually Work. *Licensed Clinical Psychologist (Verify My License) *Lives in Atlanta, Georgia, USA *Christian/Pro-Life/Pro-Marriage/Pro-Family/Proudly American *25 Years Marriage Coaching and Counseling *Author of three books on saving marriages *Author of one book on getting more from counseling. I had Jack’s most basic coaching program but even in the allotted half-hour Jack was very helpful, especially when I had prepared questions for him over some of his material that I had read previously. The actual excuse he gives you doesn’t matter. It is also necessary to learn how to talk with a blamer in a way that leads to progress. Your spouse may have never seen conflict, finances, or other problems dealt with in a helpful and cooperative way. Listen closely: you are not to blame. By being willing to show vulnerability and fallibility, you will hopefully encourage your partner to drop their guard slightly too. Help the excuse-maker save face by realising that some people are making excuses when they feel threatened.Give them an ‘out’ and let them know that they don’t need to make excuses … Accepting responsibility for their actions means facing up to the possibility that they need to change. The boundaries will do nothing to threaten or harm your spouse, but will make his or her blaming self-defeating. At least, blame is not the right way to describe it. He has told me to give him lists of things that need to be done around the house but when I do he rarely completes the tasks. All that will get you is disrespect when what you need to do is to start building respect with your spouse.

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